I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
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