she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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