her vagine was all disorganized.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
