distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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