If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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