He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
