I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
