someone get that fucking seahorse.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
only if we run a train.
done.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
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The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
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She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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