Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Randomize
