There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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