My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
