Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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