Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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