it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Randomize
