I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I bet he comes in French.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
