Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
