i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
