I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
