All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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