i just sent this text using only my big toe
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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