He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
