Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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