Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Randomize
