i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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