I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
