I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
