I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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