Yo dont text me then not text me
what ever happened to devon sawa?
fuck...who knows?
i'm really worried about him.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
