If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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