Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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