READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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