Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
