Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
