I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.