I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
