Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
