is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
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