You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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