Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
