if i can run in heels then i can drive
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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