They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
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