As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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