Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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