You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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