I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
My ass is underappreciated
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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