Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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