I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
