New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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