I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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