There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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