Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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