PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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