The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
