Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
