Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
