There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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